i go through periods where i sleep far too much- recently during the last month of school i began sleeping through all of my classes and i felt tired no matter what i did and granted i had a lot on my plate it was this insatiable need for sleep i couldn’t shake

then i go through the periods where i cant sleep at all and i cant decide which is worse but neither are comfortable. i stayed up all night last night tossing and turning and i was awake when my alarm went off at 8 am for work. im still up right now. i tried to nap during the day but i just laid there and didnt sleep.

i sat in front of the gym for 40 minutes and then just came home. i had such good motivation for a while, at this point i wouldve seen a change in my body and i wouldve been so pleased with myself. idk why i cant bring myself to go in. it’s literally the idea of interacting with people thats putting me off. its not even like its my first time and im anxious or something i just need to go in once and ill be fine again i bet. its been more than a month and i just cant bring myself to go. its excruciating to go work too because ALL i do is work with customers thats my JOB. i dont want anyone to look at me, i dont want to leave my house, i dont want to talk to anyone. 

i dont really ask anyone to make plans either because im dealing with my own head as fucking ALWAYS so i cancelled on a friend the other day but she asked to reschedule and see me tomorrow and i cant cancel again- i cant push people away- but im dreading going out. i can be normal when im out, but i FEEL the pressure it puts on me so deeply the entire time.

i feel lonely. i was so good about being alone for all this time but now i feel so lonely and just wish i had some friends even though i literally wont leave my house!! i love my friends but i only really have a couple at this point and theres only one that i talk to back and forth regularly. i still talk to my friends in pakistan daily but its not the same and theres a time difference. i know im awful and wont spend time with my friends, but i wish i had more anyways just so that i could distract myself more easily at times like these. 

i was driving my mom somewhere the other day and we passed BU and all the graduates were out and about in the streets and i started crying uncontrollably in front of my mom for no reason. i couldnt help it or stop it and i felt so stupid. its just no matter what i do its never enough, ill always be 20 steps behind everyone else. no matter how hard i work its not good enough.

i hate myself and i feel like i just will always feel unfulfilled in life no matter what i do. its not like i want to- its just in my head. i dont know if i can ever forgive myself and i think that thats the hardest thing to live with.

today, i feel like im my highschool self. i feel so hopeless and as if im not in my own body. 

hi, sorry, i cant actually come into work today because i have crippling depression and didnt sleep at all and never want to leave my house lately.

i hate being so painfully below average in everything i do/have ever done

i have no talents, my grades are average, my looks are way below average, my body is way below average, my parents are really strict so i barely leave my house- i have no “adventures” or fun stories to tell. i’ve never travelled, im shit at school. what do i even have going for me? nothing lol

i went to visit my friend at her dorm/apartment the other day and i envy others so much. i just wish i got into a good school and that i could afford it and that i could stay on campus away from my life for a little and just make some friends and have some sort of sense of what im doing

i have no friends, no ambitions, no real direction, and i just dont know what the hell im doing

i literally keep having nightmares and i wake up crying AND i had sleep paralysis again for the first time in over a year last week and im just so tired i dont know whats happening with me

im considering sending myself back to therapy but im so scared to tbh and its such a big step for me because i really really dont want to go back im so codependent i just want to fix everything on my own but im trying so hard and i dont think i can

also this is going to sound so fucking stupid

i got a 102 on my first psych test which was like amazing but then in bio i managed to get an 86 on my quiz and an 86 on my test even though im pretty good at bio and then on my second psych test i got an 84 and i want to cry because i started off so well and now im slowly falling back down into being a shitty student that’s painfully average/below average

this is a problem highschool me wishes she had when she was sleeping through everything and too fucked up to do her homework or study for anything and was barely getting by in school

but thats the thing this is the last straw for me i can’t just keep getting “decent” grades i need GOOD grades at this point in my life im almost 20 and in my first semester of college and everyone i know knows where they’re headed and theyve been in school for a while and get amazing grades and im forever just floating through

i WANT to eat more and healthier im going to try so hard im finally in school and i just need to get my shit together and eat better bc i can tell im malnourished and i want to exercise and stop worrying about the scale and my bones and instead just get toned and make my ass bigger and chill the fuck out for five seconds

but obviously this will last for about a week and then ill freak out again and starve myself and then binge and then starve and then binge

ive been trying to avoid my feelings but i can’t i was out today with my friends and i felt so off which normally doesn’t happen i can usually distract myself but no i just couldn’t i felt horrible and im in pain and i wanted to sink into the ground all day i didnt want anyone to even look at me 

i want to be healthy more than anything but whatever i immerse myself in consumes me fully i cant just give a little bit i give everything i have and not in an ambitious way im far too intense for my own good and i hate it i hate it 

honestly im so sorry if you message me because im too shit of a person to even check my messages half the time but i love you i love you i love you thank you for taking your time to message me i appreciate it more than i can express even if i suck at showing it

loooool. i had a kidney stone in the spring because i don’t take care of my body and shitty kidneys run in my family my grandfather died of kidney failure and im pretty sure i have another one because im in so much pain and i know its all my fault because i never eat or drink water and i drink so much coffee all day but my pcos prevents me from even losing weight and i dont know if i will ever be able to look at food like a normal person. im always freezing and every time i eat i want to die and i never lose weight so i feel completely fucking invalid and i just want to get better i hate feeling like this lost teenager who can’t find her way and who can’t even eat at a restaurant with her friends without wanting to die im so so tired of this i hate being this awful and i hate being so stuck in my ways and now even if i try to eat like a normal person i just gain weight because ive fucked up my metabolism and then i have to start starving and purging again i cant win im just stuck in a fucking cycle of self hatred and i really do i just hate myself i hate myself for doing this i hate myself for never being happy i hate myself because i will never believe i am enough and i want to just get better finally and be okay but i cannot breathe near food without freaking out everything is hard and idk what to do and i cant do it alone but i dont know who or how to ask for help